Anger, Hurt and Disappointment
by Glistening Sun
Summary: An episode tag to 3x13 about Sharon's thoughts while watching 'The Nutcracker'. I wasn't very happy with the way Sharon was portrayed in this episode. Be warned, this is not my usual brand of Shandy fluff, but there'll be a happy end eventually! Storyline continues in 'Making Amends'.


The music is as beautiful as ever and I can see Rusty slowly being pulled into the magic of the ballet. I can't believe his mother never took him to the Nutcracker or at least watched it with him on TV. What's Christmas without a ballet? Rusty is sitting next to me now, completely still and watching the stage. I am very grateful my son is at my side rather than Andy or Nicole. I am not sure I could physically stand to be so close to him right now. I am so incredibly angry at him. In fact, I am downright furious. It seems like it has just gotten from bad to worse over the past days. I don't know what game he was playing, but I am done being lied to. I am done with pretenses and half-truths. Done.

If I am angry at Andy I am absolutely furious about the impact his behaviour has had on Rusty.

How can Andy lie so callously? How can he act with such utter disregard for anyone else's feelings? Because Nicole, Rusty and myself, we were all blindsided, hurt and embarrassed by his lie.

How can Andy talk about us being a couple and dating when all we've ever done has been to go out as friends? What really hurts me is that he did this in front of my own son. It was inappropriate to lie to Nicole - but to pull Rusty into it? To keep talking about us being a couple when I was standing right there with him in my kitchen?

This is not the Andy I have come to know and … well, that is no longer important now.

I detest that by his actions Andy has given fodder to Rusty's suspicions about our relationship. Rusty's comments and insinuations were out of place. I will talk to him about that later. He can voice them with me, but it is inacceptable to speculate about a person's feelings and much less so when they are standing next to you. I don't know what exactly he thought he was doing by 'helping Nicole understand'. But Rusty is the least of my worries. Later, I will explain to him that while he is free to address these points directly and in person with either Andy or myself, using the forum with Nicole was inappropriate.

By his example Andy has shown Rusty that lying is acceptable if it suits your purpose. All that crap about Nicole liking him more if I was around. What am I? Some sort of trophy to make him look good? Has he not understood me at all? Does he not know at all who I am?

I've never been one to make someone else look good. I believe people have their own worth and I prefer to encourage them to make use of their potential. The many officers I trained who have successful careers - some of them even outranking me today like Commander McGinnis - are not in their positions because I made them look good, they are what they are because I supported them in reaching their potential – but getting there was all _their_ work.

Just like Andy has been the one to put in all the hard work for his family and it hurts me deeply to see how he has threatened all that by a completely unnecessary lie. Nicole has reconnected with him because she wants her Dad back in her life, not because of me. Now I won't be there to help Andy rebuild that relationship. I just hope he will find a way to do it. Why do I even worry about him, why do I _still_ worry about him after all this?

When Nicole called a few days ago and asked if she could come by the office to ask me for advice I was more than happy to see her. I like her, she is a fine young woman and I admire how she has stepped into the role of mother for those two young boys. We've had some very good conversations and I am more than happy to offer her advice or counsel. I thought she wanted to ask about the boys. We've done that before, compared notes on being a mother to a child we did not give birth to ourselves. If I did think Andy's behaviour a bit odd I didn't stop to take note of it, concentrated on making Nicole feel welcome instead. Andy can sometimes be a bit like she was that day, not wanting to impose even when it is not an imposition at all.

When I realised what Nicole was hinting at, I froze. Years of trainings came to the fore allowing me to school my features quickly so she didn't notice. If Nicole had spoken so naturally to me about the 'romance' in my relationship with her father, then she would have had to be very sure we were indeed a couple. She wouldn't have had that assurance unless Andy had given her some indication that things between us were more serious than they really are. I didn't know what exactly he had led her to believe, but his nervousness at Nicole showing up at the office suddenly seemed to make sense. So his whole family believed we were romantically involved? What a disaster.

It became almost unbearable for me to be in Andy's presence and every time he stepped close to me, I had to step away. I just _had_ to step away. Andy's presence made me feel insecure, and angry and physically uncomfortable. All of that I cannot have when I am directing a murder investigation. There were lives at stake. Andy didn't seem to understand. He kept staying behind after everyone else left, insisted on standing right next to me, much too close for comfort.

Lieutenant Provenza knew something I am sure – I could tell from his expression and the looks he exchanged with Andy.

Gosh – have I given Andy the wrong impression? I am _very_ sure that I haven't. Rusty is right, Andy and I do spend a lot of time together, but we are friends, very close friends. Our relationship is purely platonic, no handholding or kissing but the occasional friendly peck on the cheek. I have always been very clear that I was a married woman and my divorce isn't even a month old yet. How could Andy have gotten it into his head that we were dating? No, I know he knows we are not dating. He must have just let Nicole believe that we were.

I am angry. I am so angry, my blood is literally boiling. If I wasn't sitting here in the middle of the theatre, if Rusty wasn't here with me, I might just get up and leave. I am furious with Andy and so disappointed, oh just so disappointed. He has been lying to both his family and to me. How long has this been going on? I thought that our friendship was stronger than this, that he would have been able to find a time to tell me, that he would have trusted me enough. He didn't. Instead, he continued living a lie. I feel sorry for Nicole. Andy's lies have put her into an untenable situation.

What makes me angry is the way Andy treated me and Nicole these past few days. Even after he had spoken to Nicole, he still hadn't wanted to come clean with her. Instead, he kept up his charade. How can he not understand that the longer he lies to Nicole, the more difficult it will be when he finally does tell her the truth? And the truth will come out, it always does. I for one prefer to be in charge of that moment rather than let it blindside me.

When I found out after dinner what Andy had really been telling Nicole, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He told her that we were dating, that we were a couple. That is just so wrong. I feel so used. What was he thinking? Did he even stop to think about how I feel, how this would affect me?

What if this got out at the office? Andy had embarrassed and blindsided me. I have no idea what the rest of the team knows. Oh well, I'm sure Provenza knows, but the rest of them have probably just noticed the change in our interactions. What a mess. And of course, it will be me who will have to clean it up eventually.

It really hurts me, because I wouldn't have been opposed to the idea of dating Andy, quite the contrary, actually. I had hoped that now that I was divorced we could see what else could become of our friendship. But a man who had lied so blatantly to his daughter, who had waited until the last minute, until I forced his hand to come clean, a man who had lied to me? I am not going to through that again. I do not like people who are dishonest and I do not have the strength to negotiate another relationship based on lies. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust Andy again.

I've been deceived and I have been lied to by my good friend Andy. It's not the first time that has happened. Before we fell in love, Jack, too, was once a good friend. Friendship is not enough, honesty is a key component of any relationship. One that is now severely lacking between Andy and myself.

I really thought that Andy and I had something special. If I am being quite honest with myself, I was already more half in love with him. But I cannot deal with another man who lies and uses me to his own advantage and who cannot even come clean to me about it when I ask. I need to protect myself. It's going to hurt in the coming days, but it will get better. I'm going to go on, just like I always have. Minus my dear friend. No, I'm not angry, I am hurt and I am so sad and bitterly, bitterly disappointed.

We will once again be Captain and Lieutenant. It is going to be difficult and it is going to take all my dedication and every ounce of self-control to make sure I will handle it professionally.

So many possibilities, so much excitement and it all comes down to this: Sharon has fallen for yet another lying alco... no, I am not going to go there. I am going to try and not be bitter about this. But for now, I'm just going to get through this evening and then go home. I am going to fake a migraine and leave the moment the show is over.

I need a holiday.

* * *

><p>Author's note: If you've ever read any of my stories here you will know I ship Shandy and I had been looking forward to last Monday's episode along with everyone else. While I did appreciate the comic moments and did like the episode, I am unhappy with the way the show portrayed Sharon. I don't see how she could remain so passive, she is a much stronger, active and more decisive woman. So I put on my Nutcracker CD and decided to give us an insight into Sharon's thoughts - how I think the show should have portrayed Sharon based on what we know about her.<p>

Please do let me know what you think!


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